the wind

wrong i was.

21 October 2006 3:20pm

my head is spinning around in a kaleidoscope of colour and sound.

it's possible that what i've been searching for all these years has been right in front of my face, and i've been too afraid to open my eyes.

i've been lying here for ages, book in hand, trying to work out where to start - what to say, how much, how little, how honest - how is he going to fee reading this, which i know he will, because i'm sure he's wondering what i've written about him.

my feeling haven't had time and space to settle yet. sometimes i feel really secure, comfortable and happy. i laugh and smile more than every, i sing with a skill i don't remember having, i'm beautiful, confident, sexy.

then i feel sad, loney, confused, irritated, terrified. at times i feel nothing at all. once in a blue moon i feel like he just wants to use me, and spit me out and that he doesn't give a shit, and that he could never possible like this body, and that he's just killing time. these things are of course just throwbacks to my old negative ways of thinking, and even i can see that none of it's true, but old habits are sometimes easy to take up again, even if it's just briefly.

i respect him. we are equals. there aren't that many people i don't look up to or down on (that bloody ego thing - yes, i'm still working on it) but we are equal.

having said all this, the way my head is, i'll have changed my mind completely about it all tomorrow.

this has been a long time coming, but i'm glad. however brief this may turn out to be.