Beautiful men

right. well, those of you who are regular readers (and we know you're out there!) will know that it's pretty rare that we hold back on this blog. the following entries have been harder for me to write here than any others, because they're somehow more real, and more raw. even 6 weeks later, it's still raw, but i'm putting this stuff here anyway. because otherwise the blog wouldn't be complete, and i'd feel like a fraud. strangely, after everything we've written here, i feel like these are the posts that could come back and bite me on the bum. there's no rational reason for that, but the crazy fear is still there. still, we said we'd do everything we could to face our fears on this trip, right?

the uncensored (ok, not really, it's a bit cryptic, so it's a little bit censored) version of the last couple of months is as follows:

15 Oct 2006 9:54pm

Many times in the past few years I've been aware of the smell of a beautiful man on my cheek. every hug, every kiss on the cheek, leaves their mark. even if they wear the same scent, they smell different. this one smells like nothing but himself.

tonight we switched roles. in the past when we've met, we've been at gatherings where we've only spoken my language. i've always held court, as i pretty much always do. tonight, liz and i were hosts, but he held court instead. i always thought we were quite unalike, but after this evening i'm not sure. maybe our similarities are equal to our differences.

i'm waiting to see how i feel at the end of the next 4 days.