Confessions

22 Sep 2006 Afternoon sometime

Part of healing is admitting to the things about yourself you’re really not proud of.

There are a number of things I’ve admitted to myself (or I pretend I have) and I always think that’s going to be enough for me to be able to change them. But the truth I now acknowledge is that a few of the deepest rooted belief patterns and behaviours are not going to change unless I really fess up to them.

Confession #1 – I manipulate people.

I’d really like to pretend that most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing, but that would be a lie. I usually know exactly what I’m doing.

I should clarify – by manipulating I don’t mean just asking for what I want – I see that as being a positive thing. What I mean is coercing people into doing things I want them to do whether they want to or not.

I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I never encourage people to do anything I think might be harmful, it’s just that I always think I know what’s best for people.

Which leads me to Confession # 2.

Having been through periods of total blackness (where the grass isn’t greener anywhere because there is no green) and greyness (the colour of blandness and mediocrity) I now live in a fascinating rainbow world.

However, having done a lot of healing and positive affirmations work, I now have days where I think my opinion is “better” than anyone else’s. That’s not every day, but I admit, I do often brush off other people’s opinions because I think they’re ignorant or small-minded, or just plain wrong.

My current work on that issue is to change my perception so I can see that other people’s beliefs and ideas are just “different” not “wrong”.

And maybe sometimes I’m the one who’s ignorant and small minded.

Ok, I think 2 confessions is enough for today. They’re the two biggest issues I’m trying to work on at present.

This is my public apology to Liz – Unfortunately as she’s the person closest to me at the moment she cops most of my manipulation and egotistical rants. I’m determined to change so I can stop hurting both of us.

Funny, it always seems like it’s so hard to admit we’re in the wrong, and we can spend lifetimes avoiding it, but it’s still a whole lot easier than continuing to pretend we’re right. I’ve done some really shitty things in my time, but I’m trying to put them right.